So no offense should be taken that I simply plan to do absolutely nothing this weekend at all. And I plan to enjoy doing absolutely nothing. That is a little bit of a lie. I do plan on doing things… just not with any of you sadly. I still love you… and hopefully you still love me.

Its a testament to the sheer exhaustion I am experiencing. I feel like I’m floating through some zero time right now which may be somewhat due to the fact I slept five hours total. I’m actually slightly glad I didn’t sleep longer. I’ve begun to enjoy the blurry thought structure that can only be attained by sleep deprivation and copious amounts of green sencha tea.

When the sky gets grey and the wind gets cold, I mostly feel like shutting the doors and not really traveling very far. There’s something really peaceful about having nothing to do, nowhere to go and no energy to make that change. I don’t stay in hardly enough and I feel like I’ve neglected the cats a bit much lately. While I’ve said that before… its another thing to actually get into the mode of anchoring myself inside.

There is a rough balance to maintain between going out and staying in and being productive. For that matter, staying in and be unproductive would help my mental state right now as well. But I have a bunch of music stuff to play around with and finish. I also kind of would like to finally get to installing Fallout 3 and sitting down to geek out to it.

Doing whatever it is that I do is hardly defined by anything more than just living. And for that I’m kind of grateful. Whenever someone asks me about stuff I did ten years ago and why I don’t do it anymore, I just kind of shrug. There’s no real definitive answer to that other than you get bored doing the same shit. Call me aloof or flighty. Call me simply disinterested or lazy. Its just at its heart sometimes not fulfilling.

If there is any one thing that I do that doesn’t change, its writing and more specifically mc’ing. Albeit the perspective, style and articulation changes over time and experience… its pretty much been my focus and the thing that most makes me happy.

The gangster palsy, the finger snaps, the scrunchy face, and parkinson’s head nod that happens whenever I feel something itching in my brain. The weird fusion of accents mangled into a laconic drawl that spits out words in casual conversation like syrup dripping from a craggy maple tree. The stupid grins and the surly looks that shift back and forth with the dramatic mood currents ebbing and flowing. It can be an embarassment and a curse and an honestly frightening way to live your life. But its also housed in the realization that this is more or less what you are. How you are comfortable in the skin you are in regardless of your shortcomings or eccentricities.

I’m pretty much fucked when it comes to all of that and I’ve made peace with it. Fed it with ridiculous shoes and intricate tattoos. Draped it in hoodies when the neurons get crossed. Navigate the days through color coordination and extracurricular activities. And sometimes you discover that some of those things don’t fit you anymore. Or that your favorite pair of pants gets stolen or horribly mutilated by your neighbor’s dog. And you have to let go.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from this year its about letting go. Its fitting that from the most cataclysmic experience in my life probably came the most important lesson I could have learned. And that it applies to everything in my life and not just some romance horoscope footnote. People hold on to much more than that. Scenes, rules, conventions, people, favorite teddy bears… you name it. They hold it in their hands and choke it to death out of frustration, out of longing and mostly out of fear.

It can be argued that I am the biggest hypocrite when saying this because I’ve done it countless times over and over. I continue to do it even so much as subjecting life itself to the same neuroticism. Wandering every alley and street in some attempt to collide with some sort of weird destiny. Exhausting every possible avenue and connection and ingesting every sort of scene and conglomeration of people… desperately in search of something somewhat interesting.

At heart I have some sort of culture fetish that never quite gets fulfilled. The lower orbits make me dizzy and the higher orbits make me free. I constantly feel like I’m pushing towards through the blankness just to discover something new. And I often do. I’m not going to lie. Its called reinvention and however scary it might be… innovation and elevation are always going to be nightmare inducing.

I have this rather weird and romantic notion about karmic free fall. That objects locked in the same orbit seem to circle and arc around each other silently just out of reach. The barycenter is some unknown energy or course of events that draws bodies of different mass together or at least near enough to each other so that they recognize each other. Sometimes its barely a fucking nod. Sometimes its a close conversation. And sometimes its a smug look across the horizon behind cold eyes.

Whether or not those objects ever meet really isn’t the point. It would trip anyone out to actually sit and watch the different animations. The most common one to most people is the orbit of the sun and the earth as illustrated below.

The inevitability of night and day and the cycles therein are constant. History moving like a mammoth through the tundra stomping past your quivering miniature form. Starlets and debutantes with blank eyes passing your slow trudge across the back wall.

And then there is the nature of the binary star.

I’ve talked a lot about this with people lately though its never really made much sense to me when I’ve tried to address it. Its those avatars shining brightly in the wasteland that you skid past. People you don’t even know by name but know more about than the people you share spliffs with outside on a warm summer evening or shots of whiskey in a dingy bar. Its like you can feel this rush of motion as you barrel past and a look in the eye pretty much says it all.

For me being the analytical little shit that I am… its harder for me to simply appreciate the moment. To enjoy it for what it is. Maybe not so much. Its these little orbits that are keeping me somewhat sane. All my binary stars. Each and every one of them. Some who know who they are. Some who don’t. Some who might… some who won’t.

The question I keep asking myself… and maybe I should stop asking… has nothing to do with why we keep seeing each other over and over again. Why we are in orbit or how we escape it? I’m pretty mellow about all that. I could stare at those animations all day and be fine with that.

The question that really bugs me. The one that cycles through my head and burns through me. The one that is making me dizzy. Is what exactly is the barycenter? What are we locked in and what exactly is it trying to tell us… or maybe just me for all I know.

All I know is that its something rather beautiful at its root. Just like you, and you, and you, and you, and me too.

So to all my binary stars.

Catch you on the next rotation. And next time lets say hi.

• BROWSE / IN TIMELINE
• « entro mc “gloryhol3″ mp3
• » Khanate, Biking, and Michael Mann

• BROWSE / IN ramblings
• « Poltergeist
• » The Thousand Year Beard War